Three weeks down. How did I do?
- Do not suffer a meltdown during the new career step I’m taking (I don’t know how I’ll evaluate how well I did, or whether or not what I experience ends up being considered a meltdown or not – but I will focus on how a new job affects theatrical output)
I may or may not have suffered a breakdown but I don’t think it was anything to do with work or work requests or projects. I was excited. I am still excited. I am doing, every single day, the very thing I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Creating engaging material for my peers and management team and my clients. It can be stressful and it can be upsetting or disappoint, but it’s also extremely interesting and challenging.
Am I worried about failure? Every day.
Am I worried about succeeding? Yes.
Failure makes sense, right? It’s almost reasonable to expect that a person won’t excel at everything when they start a new job, a new role, or a new career. But success? It comes down to a fear of being capable to do it over and over again. I understand that I won’t be successful as soon as I get out of the gate. The first week I feel like I stepped on someones toes while they were pushing me from my role and design capabilities (yes I am a drama queen and exaggerator). I don’t know – it was a minor todo that didn’t need to be anything. It was resolved and we all move forward from it, right? Yes, that’s what adults do.
How can I keep going? I set goals for myself, I spoke with my manager and I am moving forward to creating a new list of capabilities and skills that I hadn’t had the opportunity to build before. I’ve never had this type of freedom but it isn’t just the freedom – it’s the amount of meetings and demands my clients set and expectations that, I hope, to exceed. In my head, I know I can do it all and the hiring manager/my current leader hired me knowing I can do it, too. So why do I have the fear?
I should probably seek therapy. It has *only* been two weeks and I’m sure as I get more involved in my work and set a cadence for myself that it’ll only get easier so this initial worry will dissipate. I guess I’m just waiting to get to that point.
Do I feel that this new role and career alignment is impacting my theatre capabilities and desires?
Fortunately there is actually more available time in my life to spend on theatre. Have I done it yet?
I lose myself in what I call relaxing which basically means Facebook trolling my friends and avoiding life responsibilities, like cleaning, by going out to my friends.
Is this a long time goal?
Definitely not. I need to focus on meeting the other goals that I set forth for myself at the beginning of August. Including my wellness in not pressuring myself to feel that I am under-accomplished or incapable of being a success. It will happen. It just takes time. Let’s do a mid-month check in then so I can feel better about the life choices I’ve made so far in August.
Personal Training reservations with Scott – so far, 4 scheduled within the first two weeks of the month Massage and Facial – random Sunday afternoon pampering session Multiple aesthetician appointments to maintain my lovely facial features Read through for The Laramie Project at my local theatre
- Costume plot for this show including a make up plot for The Trial of Ebenezer Scrooge and another costume plot for The 1940s Radio Hour – both in December/January
Publicity evening for next season, Script in Hand[the post on this is coming shortly]
- Disney movie marathon with my friends one whole weekend (after getting a mani pedi)
- Board member meeting (after the Disney movie marathon)
- Renaissance Faire and Hershey park this weekend
- I START SCHOOL – my certificate classes begin and I may be panicking
- Annual Banquet for my local theatre
- Hello Dolly! with my mom and BETTE MIDLER
I’ve highlighted the most (?) important tasks I set forward to myself for the remainder of the month of August. The other things? I literally can’t back out of them and they are easily said and easily done. I am overly excited for the marathon, some Faire and chocolate time, as well as seeing the amazing Bette Midler on stage – there is no holding me back from seeing and doing the activities. The other things?
It’s hard to explain, they all impact my life in the theatre but don’t necessarily impact my life as a director. But I do feel that all the ‘monotony’ (used in the context of all the various requirements) of preparing a script, designing and preparing a make up plot, as well as the necessary evil of a Board meeting/membership is all a part of being a valuable director. All this life, a new job and new responsibilities, is all a part of being a good and solid director.
Hopefully I continue to succeed and eventually exceed expectations. It will get better. ‘Til next time.