Amalgamation of Life, Director

Imposter syndrome

Imposter syndrome to be defined as: 

 Psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.

Thanks Wikipedia

Why do I feel this way and does it matter? 

I think I have a growing fear, especially as we get closer to auditions and then rehearsals and then production *short, staggered breaths,* as we get closer and closer. Am I really ready? Do I have everything to get through auditions, rehearsals, and production? See, I get myself all worked up, and that’s not a good thing.

But how does this explain the imposter syndrome?

I am not feeling 100% prepared because I didn’t create anything new for my material, both for my auditions and the start of blocking. I borrowed heavily from my network of directors, a lot of raw material, to get everything in alignment. It was easier this way because if I had questions about next steps or a specific item, I had someone I could ask and lean on for support. That’s great, right? Or, rather, it should be great for darn sure.

But it’s making me question if I can do it all alone, when the time comes of course. Am I going to have to be completely dependent on others to make it through the auditions, rehearsals, and production? I think dependent is a strong term, and that’s my greatest fear–that I literally cannot make a move without another persons assistance. Do I suffer this syndrome in any other professional setting or situation? No. But this is unique as it is all my decision, down to the last nail used on the set.

Well, alright–maybe not that decision, I’ll leave that up to my Construction Mistress, I don’t know if I’d have any idea on that, to be totally honest.

And right there, right up there, that bolded paragraph.. it’s the eureka for me.

It *doesn’t* have to be all my decision. I can lean on people, specifically my super strong staff, when necessary and either use their support or come up with a different answer that supports my shows needs. This helps alleviate the pressure of the syndrome but it’s been creeping up more and more frequently, I was hoping this would pass soon enough but as it has not, here I am sharing my experiences with you which has helped and usually eases the pain and pressure on my mind.

I think it’ll become even better when all of this is finalized and it’s officially done. I’ll have done it once, hopefully enjoy it to do it again, and know that I can meet any sort of demand placed on me in the future of directing. Case in point, this syndrome has generally subsided for the other roles I take on for other productions–I feel it when I take on a new challenge but it’s usually resolved as I meet the shows demands unabashedly.

‘Til next time.

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