Amalgamation of Life

When you lose focus…

When you lose focus, and I don’t mean general distraction (or the glittery-distraction effect), and determination to participate in something you love(d?)… how can you come back to it? do you come back to it? It’s hard, really hard.

I find that I struggle to enjoy theater some days because I am so overly saturated with staff work, strategic planning, and general concern. I don’t give myself a break to enjoy the show I just finished, the one I’m working on, or the one I am about to begin work on. I plan my theater life so far in advance that I am now booked for work until June 2019. That’s six months away.

Let’s rewind to February 2018 for a second; when I only had two shows on my plate through June 2019, Curtains! and A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. Between February and December I picked up another 5 production roles, raising my involvement from 2 to 7. I was asked to costume All Shook Up, which I then decided to audition, do make up for Dracula, and costume Charlie Brown’s Christmas right before joining the staff as Assistant Director.

Every show, as I am sitting there thinking about what I need for success in the present show, I am also thinking how I could have improved the last show and how can I prepare for the next show. It’s a vicious cycle of worrying about what happened, what is happening, and what needs to happen; it destroys my desire to do it again or in an ongoing manner. I never take the time to enjoy a show.

I don’t live in the moment.

Now I know that a majority of the above has been repetitive to old posts but I’m going to go in a new direction and say why I think that. I know that I don’t live in the moment because I feel that I have something to prove, either to myself or to others. I am constantly trying to prove my capabilities and continue to build upon my successes. I think that’s why I sometimes impostor syndrome; it’s never enough and it’s never done to the fullest of my capabilities.

With all of this in mind, and considering that I won’t have grad school in the latter half of 2019, I am really strategically planning what I want to be a part of in the next season. Both at Forge and at Barley Sheaf, both for friends and new production staffs. So, with all that said, here’s what I’m considering and buckling myself down to:

  1. Directorial debut: March-June 2019
  2. Teen show: July 2019*
  3. Fall musical: September 2019
  4. Holiday show: December 2019*
  5. Play, preferably a comedy or murder mystery: Spring 2020

*I have not been asked or tasked with a role in these productions but I had so much fun working on them in 2018 that I would love to do them again

That’s it. No more and no less. That’s enough stress and these are feats which are equally spaced out among each other and include work that I actually enjoy doing, in whatever capacity is available and viable to me. these are what I’m going to focus on, because it’s what I enjoy and it’s going to keep me relatively sane for future me. Plus, it leaves me with a little bit of downtime to enjoy being alone, on vacation, with my friends and family–everything a girl could hope for.

Stay focused, and if you don’t… get re-focused. ‘Til next time.

1 thought on “When you lose focus…”

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